Wake Up

When life becomes difficult, we as humans have an amazing ability to put our heads down and push forwards, regardless of how we feel. When the difficulties are short lived, we come out of the other side and brush ourselves off. Knowing that we have done well to make it to our destination.

Sometimes the difficulty takes longer to overcome. It’s at these times, that we can become so overwhelmed, that we shutdown. We can ourselves into an emotional hibernation, leaving us anaesthetised against any potential pain.

I’m not sure at what point I shut down. I’m not sure at what point I stopped trying. But recently I woke up, and was shocked to see how far I’d come.

You see once you allow yourself to wake up, it becomes almost impossible to go back to sleep.

Like a sleepwalker woken unexpectedly, you find yourself somewhere you don’t remember going. Only to be told later, that it was you who brought you to where you are. If you have been asleep for a long time, you realise there are parts of your own life that you have to go back and learn again.

Often, one of the first things to change are the people around you. If you’re lucky, you’ll have people around you still, people you have been able to rely on to help you get through. People who nudged you in the right direction, before your eyes were truly open. The other people in your life, might now be where you expect them to be, but can sometimes still be found. Most will welcome you back into their folds, and pick up where you left off.

Sometimes though, we lose people along the way. It hurts knowing that the people you have loved and may still hold a place for in your heart, no longer feel that they can be a part of your journey. This can be a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when you first wake up, as you can’t always see yourself what it is that has changed. If you find yourself in this circumstance the most likely thing to have changed is you.

Before you can get to know the people in your life again, you have to get to know yourself. Sleeping for a long time, can change you without you ever realising it. The challenges you face, are the nightmares which haunt you, the moments of pleasure that interlude the times before waking are the dreams that remain a part of you. That kept you going even when the world was at it’s most unforgiving. You have to reflect on all of these things, making them a part of you. Once you can learn to do this, you can learn once more who you are.

These experiences may change you. They may make you feel differently about the things you once loved, but they also make you who you are. Accepting that, is the key to accepting yourself. If you need to change in order to be who you are, then embrace the changes you need to make and walk with your head held high. Above all, once you are ready to be that person, love them. Love the person you were, because they got you to where you are now. Love the person you have become, because they have overcome all obstacles to be where they are now.

And when you approach your next obstacle, take a deep breath, and move through it. Then love who you are when you come out the other side, because with each obstacle you overcome, you evolve in to a whole new version of yourself.

The Last Time

If the last time, were the last time,

And you had known that then.

Would you have had the strength

To do what you did then?

If the last time, were the last time,

Where would you want to be?

I’m not sure that it would matter,

As long as you were there with me.

If the last time, were the last time,

Would it hurt to say goodbye?

I’m not sure that I could leave,

I know I couldn’t even try.

If the last time, were the last time,

Would the world just cease to be?

At the time you had to leave us,

When your body set you free.

I can’t bring myself to say it,

It’s just to much to bear.

The first, but not the last time,

That I’ve realised you’re not there.

My Mind

My mind slowly unfolding thoughts displayed

Unimagined ideas slowly begin,

To erupt, materialize, and evolve

A silent song, a dance with no movement,

A creation that no one has dared to dream

My mind is open, and so to is my heart

This is the basis, of that, my passion,

Of art, literature, and gentle creation

Our societies constraints, need not apply,

For words allow infinite expression

My mind holds insignificant detail

Words alone cannot describe existence

But they can effect how we observe

Life, death and everything that’s in between

If we choose to acknowledge or not

My mind is my own, as are my beliefs

My perceptions and every experience

They are mine to interpret or discard

Freedom to think and choose, should always be

Dreaming

Parted lips, closed eyes,

Slowly breathing, no disguise

Sleep holds, deep alluring,

He lay watching, thoughts intruding.

Lies so close, limbs caress,

Heart is racing while they rest

Lips they part, and softly mutter,

Now his heart does dance and flutter.

This vision turns with gentle grace

And pulls him in, a tight embrace

The world surrounding, starts to dwindle

His passion for his lover kindles.

Breathing deeply, he’s drawn in

He feels a burning in his skin

His mind is now controlled by lust

And stretching out a hand to touch

His lover turns, and draws away

But in the air his hand does stay

Contact broken, a fading high

A silent tear escapes his eye.

Remorse, regret, consumed by shame

His feelings he now tries to tame

He dwells now on their brief embrace

And looks again upon that face

Suddenly those eyes are open

And from those lips, a question spoken

“I had a great dream, how bout you?”

He dared not say, “I dreamed of you.”

Creation in Vein

Red lips, slender waist, ebony hair

All that she is, I desire.

By my side, her body like the sunset

Sinking into linen sheets.

A world I cannot penetrate

As tangible as dreams

 

In the haze of reality, I was drawn

Her form filling me with Carnal lust

Envisioning her body entwined with my own

Yet with the clarity of time

Such instinctive raptor, transformed

Physical longing, now an eternal passion

 

With strength I do not fully understand,

I draw my gaze from her unreadable face

Her exposed flesh a testament to our act of love

I cannot help but admire her insubstantial frame

Which somehow carries her exceptional essence

My view is filled by the crimson of her lips

 

Those lips which last rested upon my wrist

Stained by the sanguine liquid which failed

In giving her eternity, to which now I am doomed

Already I am as I was, perfect at least in form

Her perfection unspoiled by death

She has been taken

 

The blood, the blood which promised infinity

Leaves me incomplete

I am cursed with a future which is absolute

Human life seeks companionship,

But now I know my own life is a solitary one

And so to her, with whom my life I can no longer share

 

Adieu.

 

Luca – Part 1

It started with a text, “got work for you, call me asap” texts like this weren’t unusual by any means, but the last time I had answered one, I’d flown to Paris. When I arrived at the studio Adam was working in just three days before, I was told that the shoot had been cancelled, and Adam had been flown back to the UK two days ago.

I’d literally dropped everything, even giving up another smaller project that would clash with this one, and reluctantly, paid for a flight. I paid for a one way ticket, on the promise that my return ticket would be paid for when the project was done; emptying my savings account getting there. It was an embarrassing 14 hour wait, before my parents could send me the money to come home. I hated having to borrow money from them, and hated even more that I hadn’t ever been able to pay it back.

I tried calling Adam as soon as I got home, but his number just went straight to voicemail. It had been almost eight months since I last heard from him.

Adam and I grew up together, we lived on the same street. As kids, we played together, acting out scenes from our favourite tv shows. Movies were a big part of our lives and from a young age, we dreamed about making our own. We did most things together, we managed to get a paper route at the same news agent, and delivered papers to the houses we had once played in front of. We kept the job only long enough to buy a tiny, handheld camera we were able to use to create our own movies. I usually opted to stay behind the camera, while Adam would cavort in front of it, much the same way as when we were young.

After school came university, both studying at the same campus, with Adam graduating a year ahead of me. Upon graduating myself, Adam was working with a small production company, and had managed to line a job up for me. Working together, made us both work harder, earning a good reputation as we went. This kept both of us working constantly for a couple of years. We started branching out eventually, each finding our own projects, in our own chosen specialties. But still, we threw work to one another when we could, if we could.

I learned about a month after I got back from Paris, that Adam had been offered a full time post with an American production company. He’d left without telling anyone, just packed up and went, it was his mother who finally thought to get in touch with me. He was erratic like that, but he was good fun, spontaneous and impulsive. He had never been able to sit still, always moving from one place to the other, crashing on couches, sleeping in spare rooms. He bounced from project to project, and had worked with some of the bigger companies in the industry along the way.

I wasn’t a great traveller, so I didn’t take as many jobs out with the city, but I did earn enough to make the repayments on a flat, which I’d bought and remodelled with the help of my father. I took jobs with small production teams when I could get them; but when I couldn’t find work, I ran open mike nights in some of the local bars.

I had chosen not to respond to Adam’s first text, but he kept trying all day, making me turn my phone off completely. I didn’t turn it on again until I arrived home, only giving in, as I checked to find out if my partner had called. Adam had called me three times in the last hour alone, a fact that both worried and irked me. I stood scowling at the screen, my finger hovering over his name, before tapping the home button. I opened messages, opting for a text as I knew if I spoke to him, I’d end up saying yes. I have to admit, I knew that getting in touch, even if it was to tell him to fuck off, would just make him all the more persistent.

I didn’t hear from him again at all during the late afternoon, or into the early evening. After dinner my partner called, I told her about Adam’s weird behaviour, she wanted me to call him, just to make sure he was okay. I still felt bitter, and knowing that he was back in the UK and hadn’t gotten in touch until now didn’t help, but I told her I’d sleep on it. She was coming through in the evening tomorrow, to come hang out with me while I was working, something we did fairly often as we both got to drink for free, as long as they were soft drinks. We agreed to meet in George Square and make our way to the bar from there.

I played video games until midnight, then decided to turn in for the night, I was hoping to get up early to go to the gym, as this usually meant I’d do something with my day other than sitting around in my underwear, playing video games and drinking coffee until I had to get to work. Working evenings often made me run the risk of my days being much more unproductive.

I placed my phone on the nightstand as I always did, before heading to the bathroom, to get ready for bed. I stripped out of the clothes I was wearing, balling them up and throwing them into the corner, at the foot of an already full laundry hamper. I couldn’t help smirking as I could already hear my partner’s voice in my head, chastising me playfully for letting my laundry get so ‘out of hand’. I’d have to remember to do at least one load of laundry in the morning before heading to the gym. I dragged a toothbrush over my teeth, noticing bristles coming loose as I did so, it badly needed replacing. I was more than ready for bed, so I was irked when I saw the text notification glowing on the screen as I walked into my room. I didn’t have to check to know that it was Adam, it read,

“I need to talk to you. Now.”

I stood, looking at my phone and shivered slightly, not that it was cold, but the way that text was written. There was nothing playful about it, it was so… not Adam. I shrugged the feeling off, and put it down to the fact that I was still standing naked in the middle of a dark room, staring at the now black screen on my phone. I lay down, and turned my face to the ceiling, once again deciding to ignore him, to make him wait.

Adam had other plans, he began calling me, I stared intently at the ceiling as the phone vibrated and glowed inches from my face. It rang once. Twice. On the third call, I snatched the phone up before aggressively answering, “What?”

“Luca, why the fuck has it taken you all day to get back to me?”

His indignant tone did nothing for my already black mood towards him, I audibly spluttered and was just about to launch into a tirade of shit about his attitude, when he cut me off,

“Luca, I’m sorry. I really am. But, I need you, I’m in over my head in a project that… I can’t talk about this on the phone Luca, I need you to come to London. I need your help.”

There was something about that desperate tone in his voice that I had never heard before, it turned my blood to ice. I wanted nothing to do with anything that could make Adam sound that way, never the less, I could hear my voice say the words,

“When do you need me to leave?”

He uttered only one word, before hanging up,

“Now.”

Response to ‘Sunday 3rd January 2016 – 16:31’

The following is a response to previous post. Below is a link to the original post.

https://dscoremans.com/2017/01/09/sunday-3rd-january-2016-1631/

Sometimes, we get so caught up searching shadows for detail, that we forget that the light ever existed. With no light to guide us, it becomes easier to get lost, and when we eventually do find we have returned to a path, any path, you have to learn to walk it again as the person that the darkness has made you become, and not the person you were when you lost your way in the first place.

Anyone who has read more than one of my posts, may have picked up on the fact that I live with depression. Most days, I am fine, going from A-B without even thinking about it, but then there are the days when the distance between A-B seems insurmountable, and the thought of getting out of bed in the morning is enough to make you consider giving up. On days like this the bluest skies look grey. On days like this eating anything at all, can seem as off putting as chewing on sand. On days like this, being around other people, people you may cherish and love, can be so difficult that you choose to indulge yourself, in the cloud of indifference, switching off to everything out of fear of being hurt more than you already are.

The indifference cloud that is depression, is a tantalising thing. It promises to numb your pain, but it also numbs everything else, until you find yourself hating everything. Trusting no one, not even yourself.

But those days pass, as all things do, and if you’re lucky, once they pass, you come out stronger, with a resolve to never let it consume you as it had again. Life though, is not as straight forward. It throws curve balls, pulls the rug out from under you, kicks you between the legs and throws salt in your eyes. Not because it wants to upset you, but because it wants you to rise to the challenge it sets.

Do you want to know a secret?

Life is hard. It should never be easy, and those of us who chase an easy life as an ideal often find themselves missing the journey along the way. Looking back only with regret, at opportunities lost and a life lived in search of something that was never to be found. Far too many of us see difficulty, as being synonymous with negativity. Negativity, is however,  a human concept, applied to situations when we are at our most vulnerable, we chose not only to react to the world negatively, but to observe it that way. I am not for one minute suggesting that a depressive mindset can just be wished away, if you just try hard enough, although this is pretty much the advice I was once given by a GP. However, it can be controlled, if you are willing to try.

This past year has brought me close to the abyss of indifference many times, and although I’ve teetered on the precipice, one too many time for my liking, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Because this past year has been a challenge, but one I have faced with my family, and as crazy as we have driven each other being forced back under one roof by circumstance, the more I feel we have come to truly appreciate one another.

Something I found difficult to do throughout the last year, although I did do a lot of it was write. I wrote to make sense of the darkness, I wrote to escape, I wrote when I could do little else. Most of what I wrote channeled the darkness which threatened to know me to the ground. I couldn’t read most of it back, I could barely stand to think about where my thoughts would take me if I opened the pages of my notebooks to see the anguished scrawls, writing about my fears, my insecurities and my life.

But I did read some things back, one extract in particular, left me struck by just how far I had come, the last bog post I shared was an excerpt from my personal log, it was written about three days after I found out my father had developed colon cancer.

So much has changed since then, but the more things change the more they stay the same, and at the most difficult of points throughout the year, we relied on each other when we had nothing else to rely on. My father is a miraculous man, and his recovery has so far been a testament to that. From the outside, he has quietly faced this and come through the other side remarkably unfazed. Having watched him do his best to ignore the fact that he was ill, doing his best to get right back into the way things were, it’s crazy to think just what he has actually gone through in the last twelve months.

Just as last year, I look ahead to a year uncertain. Living a life much changed from the one I lived just a year before, but this year I look forward into optimism. With hope in my heart as I reflect on the one thing that can be relied on, and learned from this whole experience.

Life goes on, you just have to remember to go with it.

Sunday 3rd January 2016 – 16:31

Life is for all men consistent, if in only that life is ongoing and chaotic. It has been four days since my world changed last and yet while the change affects me in no other way than by association, I am no less affected than if the diagnoses of colon cancer were my own.

I pray that I may never have to deal with such a terrifying suggestion, as I doubt I’d have the grace, patience and humility which my father has in dealing with this.

On the 30th of December, dad went to the hospital in Larbert for a Colonoscopy, after almost two months of going back and forth to his own GP, it took a visiting Dr from another practice, filling in for the day to refer him to the hospital. They removed a number of polyps only to find a mass at the latter end of his intestinal tract. The mass was big enough that the camera would go no further and without further information they have nothing more to do at this time.

A follow up appointment is forthcoming in the next few weeks, and with it will come a CT and full MRI to ascertain the full extent of the mass. If it is small enough, they will cut it away and recovery should be almost certain. If it is too big to cut away at first, they will attack the mass with chemotherapy and/or Radiotherapy to reduce the mass and again prepare it to be exercised from him and allow him the possibility of recovery.

Yet for now, this is all we know. No plans can be made, no information can be sought, no understandings can be fully realised until we know more.

I am four days with this knowledge and four days older, yet every day has aged me an eternity as I come to prepare myself to be there for the rest of my family, so that they be ready for the road ahead.

I feel confident that whatever comes, we shall face it together. I also truly believe he will recover, because he faces life with the same stubbornness and readiness that I try to live by.

I am my father’s child, I am the man he helped raise me to be.

I will live every day of my life trying to live as he lives, with honour, with hard work and passion in everything I do. And above all else, with love in my heart, love which every man is entitled too, but so few understand. He taught me to respect everyone, to love everyone and I will make him proud.

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