Creative Writing & Personal Reflections
Was I ever ever good at my job?
I’d like to think I was;
but the further removed I have become
from a desk that was never mine,
no matter how much I clung to it,
has left me with questions
to which I have no answer.
2020©DSCoremans
Dark dreams;
man’s heart
poisoned. Spit
a work of art.
No defence;
retaliation
Countermanded
at demonstration.
Crying eyes;
repeated lies.
No surprise;
we demonise.
Speak of truth
or speak of pain;
misspent youth
never the same.
Rotten through,
your core is vile;
cannot swallow
the taste of bile.
Crying eyes;
repeated lies.
No surprise;
we demonise.
Not yet forgotten,
but left behind;
the jail we rot in
is in our mind.
Now disappear,
into the night
and take with you
your tainted light.
I cannot see,
nor do I want
to have you near me
your presence haunts.
Your crying eyes;
repeating lies,
with no surprise.
It’s over.
2020©DSCoremans
I saw you
For the first time in years.
We haven’t spoken;
Since I told you how I felt
About you.
You looked tired
And…distracted, like the world around you
Didn’t exist, your feet
Taking you forwards
Without thought.
Your face has more lines
Like pages in a book,
I want to read
Each of them aloud
To hear your story.
Because to me
You are as beautiful
As the first day you sat beside me
And though we rarely ever spoke
I enjoyed your company.
You may have turned me down
But I have no regrets
For telling you
How I felt
About you.
2020©DSCoremans
I withdrew
Not noticeably
Not at first
And those who knew me best
Saw me as often as they had before
For I was never the social butterfly
But I withdrew
Because I didn’t earn enough
Because I had to work
Because I had to study
Because I had to care
Always did I have to care
So I withdrew
Further still
Away
Not just from little things
But big things
Things that people noticed
Parties, Graduation
Birthdays, Celebrations
And at first they were hurt
Because I withdrew
But still I withdrew
Not because I wanted to
But because I had to
I withdrew,
Because it was in my nature to do so
Those who remembered
Always tried to include
No longer hurt, but hopeful
Recognising responsibility
Only after understanding
Like I withdrew
So too did they all
When it was their time
To put the needs of others
Before their own
As I have done
For so long
Since I withdrew
That first time
When it was required
I dropped it all
To see this through
And if knowing now
All that I have done
And all that I
Must still see through
Would I withdraw again,
Or seek adventure new?
No.
There is no choice,
There never was
If it means more time
with you.
2019©DSCoremans
as I’m sure others will
a time when world leaders,
tried hard to kill
Democracy, People,
Freedom
For Austerity, for a cause
For a reason.
But I will remember,
for history
belongs to them,
to those who remember
not to those who wrote it.
#AmWriting #TwitterPoetry at #FoDiByLi
2019©DSCoremans
I feel like
Everything is happening
All at once.
I can’t tell
If the chaos
Is abnormal,
Or if it is just life?
Trying to find
“The new normal.”
Was there ever
A ‘normal’ to begin with?
Unanswered questions
Far surpass, those to which
I can answer with any certainty.
I seek clarity,
Yet am surrounded
By chaos.
It fills me physically
Shutting me down
Until I am nothing
More than Raw Emotion
Overpowering and unprocessed,
Like a pit of snakes
Each one filled with venom.
Fear, Rage, Lust,
Ego, Shame, Guilt,
Resentment.
Each one venomous,
Paralysing not killing.
Drawing out an existence,
Into a slow and terrible
Spiral to downfall.
Is it hubris
Which fells a man,
Or obstinance?
At least a man
Who falls to hubris
Can say he is proud,
I cannot. I do not feel
Proud of myself.
I feel like I’ve walked away
From every good thing
I ever had,
Because I was tired.
Now I find myself
More tired than ever,
with less than ever
I thought I could have,
That which remains
is precious and heavy.
Love, Duty, Honour,
Obligation, Frustration,
Devastation.
Love, Ignorance, Demanding,
Beautiful, Incomparable,
Inexplicable.
New. Everything is new,
I recognise nothing,
And am further displaced
From paths so far ventured.
Rather than trying to find
My way back to them,
Perhaps I should be
Moving forwards.
I have been given a chance
To whitewash my canvas.
The heavy pattern and colour
From my painting so far
Still there, lurking
Under this new,
Crisp layer.
But even with this fresh start,
I am afraid to mark the canvas
As I know how easy it is to fill
And overwork, so desperate
For the result to be beautiful,
But not trusting myself
As an artist to create.
Working to a standard
Beyond my own ability.
My canvas remains
Unpainted on,
But marked regardless
By outside influence.
I allow myself no control,
Sharing my canvas
Rather than fill it
With my own Masterpiece.
I have very little to say
That I haven’t already
Said before.
I cannot think straight.
Cannot focus
On anything
Besides the darkness.
I am lost. I am lost.
I am looking
For something
I do not know.
I tried to explain
Why I hated my job
And I couldn’t.
You see it’s not the job I hate.
I still have passion.
I just can’t access it.
It’s not the job I hate.
It is my life.
To hate the life
That one has created
For themselves.
Yet no. I didn’t create this life.
I merely followed the path
Which I was set upon.
I’m too far forward to go back.
But I no longer want to reach
The destination
Being signposted
Along the way.
I gain experience.
More and more every day.
But I am no further forwards.
How do you change a life;
That you are honour bound
To continue being a part of?
Is a life lead by honourable intention enough,
Or will obligation mar
The person I am to become,
Until the life I desire
Has slipped away forever.
The life I cannot even consider
While bound to the obligations
I have imposed upon myself
Through a sense of duty
Change me beyond the capacity
To ever be what I want.
Even if I don’t know what that is.
DS,
There are so many things
That will challenge you in life,
And challenge will push you
To learn things
You should have never had to know.
Sickness,
Emotional pain,
And death.
You know all of these things early,
Yet I’m not sure anyone
Ever thought
To explain them to you
Properly.
Instead, you take everything in,
And you understand it
As best you can.
Help will always be there
When you need it.
If you need it.
But it will take you
A long time
To be okay with asking,
And even longer
To actually accept it.
You spend years,
Trying to repress
Any part of yourself
That makes you different.
That makes you stand out.
After realising you’ll never fit in,
You try to change yourself,
To make it less obvious
That you are different.
You try so hard
To make yourself invisible.
You will repress
Every part of you
That makes you unique,
For fear
Those other people
Will judge you.
But all the while,
You will desperately seek
Some form of acceptance.
First from adults,
Because as far as you are concerned
They are right,
And know what is best
For you.
Some will see you,
Really see you,
But their influence
Will be fleeting.
Most will side with the masses.
Most will tell you to be
Like those that make it hardest
To be yourself.
People will tell you to change,
And because you can’t
You will tell yourself
You have failed them.
That you have failed yourself.
I need you to know
That is not the case.
DS I wish I could tell you
That the loneliness goes away.
I wish I could tell you
That the love
You so desperately want to feel
Is something you will have
In abundance.
Perhaps never in the way you yearned for,
But know you are loved.
Your family’s needs will drain you,
But they also love you.
You have real friends,
Friends who you have absolute trust in
And who love you.
Not a pretend version
Of yourself, not a facade,
Not even the version of yourself
You portray to the world
To make it seem
Like you are confident.
They love all of you,
With no parameters.
Love is hard
For you DS.
It’s not something
That comes easy.
Even now
The most important person
Who could love you,
Needs to remind himself
Every day
That it is okay to do so.
I am so sorry for the damage
I have caused to you
Over the years.
I’m sorry for punishing you,
When you had worked your hardest.
I’m sorry for not understanding
What you gained, when you walked away
From a path which seemed important.
I’m sorry for pushing you
To be something you are not.
I’m sorry for blaming you,
For the things in your life
That you never had control over.
I’m sorry DS, for never trusting you
To make decisions,
For hiding and playing it safe,
When I could have instead
Let you live.
Truly live.
Worst of all DS
I am so sorry for not loving you.
You are wonderful.
You won’t always feel like that,
But it is no less true.
What you overcome in life,
Is truly outstanding.
You judge yourself
Against the worth
And the attainment
Of others.
You push yourself
To grow and develop.
But everything you do
Is done with passion,
Dedication,
And a sense of purpose.
Commitment
Which I cannot begin
To commend enough.
You can turn your hand
To anything
And make it work for you.
You’re flighty.
You are easily distracted,
But you always get done
What needs to be done.
You have so much love
In your heart,
And you willingly invest it
In others
Before you invest it in yourself.
You push yourself
To make life better
For others
And in so doing
Make it harder for yourself.
You struggle to get by.
You push to be better.
And if those around you
Aren’t flourishing
You will do anything you can
To help them, or blame yourself
If you can’t.
It is both the best
And the worst thing about you.
It will take you far in life,
But the one thing
That will evade you
Is your own sense of self.
Your own purpose.
Your own happiness.
But help is always there.
Eventually, you’ll ask for it.
Eventually, you’ll accept it.
Where you go after that
Is up to you.
But know that wherever you go
You have my love,
My support
And my trust.
For once, above all else I have
Your best interests at heart.
One day
I may feel like I have found
‘My purpose’.
But until I know for sure,
I would like
To make you a promise:
‘To keep trying, to enjoy
What I’m doing,
And to take care of myself.
To live a life I am proud of,
And one which allows you
To be as happy
As you possibly can be.’
To the resident/s
of flat 15 LFR,
At your earliest possible convenience,
we would ask
that you please remove the bike,
which is currently being stored
in the mid-stairwell.
This stairwell is a main access point
and unfortunately
the bike makes access to the handrails
difficult for people with movement issues,
who regularly access the upper flats.
We appreciate your cooperation with this matter.
The most annoying thing
About being a writer
Is that unless you write,
You cannot really consider
Yourself to be a writer.
I usually write
Everything I do
At least five or six times
In my head
Before I ever try
To commit to paper.
Invariably,
This means that a lot
Of information
Lives in my head alone
And a few
Of the really good ideas
Or musings, have gotten lost
Through no fault of their own.
I’d like to think
That with some real patience
And perseverance, I can make
Writing a daily habit.
Like most ‘good’ habits
Which one would like to adopt
Into their life,
Writing is something
Which I have always put off
Until tomorrow.
I do think though
That the commitment
Which I seem to lack
For writing,
Has more to do with
Feelings.
Lack of confidence
In the things I write,
Rather than not having
Anything to write about.
I have always written
From a place of pain,
Emotional pain
Which leaves me
Feeling empty
Most of the time.
Then when I write
I slip, back
Into this mindset.
The biggest problem with this
Is just how draining
This can become, but secondly,
Just how awful it is
To realise you are only able
To do the things you want to do,
If you succumb to the person
You do not want to be.
Finding the right balance
Between channelling inner darkness,
And controlling it is hard to achieve
And rather than try to find
The balance that I so clearly need
To attempt to instil within me
I often find myself instead
Leaning into Darkness.
I think
The thing which most concerns me
About finding this balance
Isn’t so much that I don’t know
Where to start,
But that I don’t know
Where it will end.
I am going to be forced
To explore aspects of my inner self,
Which I have suppressed and ignored
For a very long time.
Some things I already
Know about myself,
Others I worry
I might discover
For the first time.
However,
Fear is never a reason
Not to do something,
Just a catalyst
To try harder.
The only thing
To fear
Is fear itself.
I think
That can be interpreted
To mean many things.
But on a personal level,
It has meant coming to terms
With the aspects of myself
That I don’t want
As well as developing
The aspects of myself
That I like and am proud of.
Humans should be defined
By their actions
And not their nature,
For evil is part
Of the human condition,
And lives within the soul.
But not all humans
Choose to act
On the evil that resides
Within them.
Instead,
Some humans
Who may have had
An innate darkness within them,
Can choose to overcome this
By embracing light,
And giving out
Only love
To the world around them.
