Villanelle – A Forgotten Friendship

I think of the many times I have sought
your company; my desire before any other
I accept, it may seem that I forgot.

You and the joy which you begot,
a gift; giving me a chance to discover.
I think of the many times I have sought

something which to my life you brought
without ever being asked by another
I accept, it may seem that I forgot.

Now by confusion I have been caught;
the route I have taken I can’t uncover
I think of the many times I have sought

A friendship like yours, which can’t be bought;
and value unknown, until it was over.
I think of the many times I have sought
I accept, it may seem that I forgot.

2020©DSCoremans

Picture Used Taken: Florida, USA (September, 2008) ©DSCoremans

Free Verse: Getting To Know You

Three times I’ve met you
In the last year
And each time,
I am incredibly glad
I had the opportunity to do so.

The more time I spend around you,
The more time
I want to
Spend with you.

Hours in your company
Never quite seem
Like enough time
And even the topics
Which might otherwise
Be difficult to talk about
Are interesting and fascinating,
Partly because
Your unique view of the world
Challenges my own
Perceptions
And makes me want
To know more
About the world around me.

When I first got in touch,
I did so
Because I couldn’t
Shake the feeling
That you were someone
I would enjoy
Developing a friendship with.

I sat next to you every day
For the best part of a year,
Ten years ago.

Yet I was never able
To chat with you
Beyond trivial greetings.

With hindsight I recognise
That that was due
To an attraction to you
That at the time
I wasn’t able to admit
Even to myself,
And instead presented itself
As a social awkwardness.

I’m still aware
That a part of me feels
That same attraction to you now.

And although I am very happy
To be able to develop
A new friendship with you,
I don’t want to mar
That potential friendship
By misconstruing
Unspoken boundaries.

When we last met
We spoke about life,
And I said,
“That a big part of the last year
Has been about creating opportunities.”

Getting to know you now
Is an opportunity
I am so glad I acted on.

Free Verse: Repent From A High

Forcing down
Those last sips of Gin,
What had been
A powerful high,
Suddenly halted.

The High had been
Amazing;
I had been lucid
And aware,
Egocentric
And oblivious,
Social and internal,
Simultaneously.

The moment.

That sudden occurring
Of the mood-killing,
Sobering seconds in time.

I suddenly feel
Self-conscious
And over-powered
By my own self-doubt.

Did I take my own joke too far?
Was I too immature?
Have I done
Something I should not?

I don’t belong here
In this group, with these people,
Why should I deserve
The support and loyalty
Of these trusted individuals?

Ultimately I ask myself these questions,
But have I need to question?
Have I not done
What is necessary
To belong in this group
With ‘these people?’

There is no doubt in my mind
That I have grown
From the false image
Which I used to present
To others.

I no longer
Continuously have to define
Where I am,
And why I belong there.

It is in these sobering moments,
During the experience,
That I can identify
My still existing insecurities,
And work towards expelling them,
So that I am finally able
To exist
As part of a group,
Physically and mentally,
Harmoniously.

Sonnet: Struggle

One of the hardest things I have to do,

Is admit when I am finding it tough.

I would rather struggle ever onward,

When life gets harder, or when feeling rough.

 

If I stop, I may throw in the towel

Giving up not just the worst, but the best

Of me. I feel as though I am drowning,

I would slip under if I stop to rest.

 

And yet. No. I cannot go on like this.

The struggle I faced to find my voice,

The introspection, and the sleepless nights,

These are the things that have given me choice.

 

Who I am exactly, I do not know

With time, patience, and friendship I will grow.

I Had To Ask

Three times I’ve met you in the last year and each time, I am incredibly glad I had the notion to do so. The more time I spend around you, the more time I want to spend around you. Hours in your company never quite seem like enough time and even the topics which might otherwise be difficult to talk about are interesting and fascinating, partly because your unique view of the world challenges my own perceptions and makes me want to know more about the world around me.

When I first got in touch, I did so because I couldn’t shake the feeling that you were someone I would enjoy developing a friendship with. I sat next to you everyday for the best part of a year, ten years ago, yet I was never able to chat to you beyond trivial greetings. With hindsight I recognise that that was due to an attraction to you that at the time I wasn’t able to admit to myself, and instead presented itself as a social awkwardness.

I’m still aware that a part of me feels that same attraction to you now, and although I am very happy to be able to develop a new friendship with you, I don’t want to mar that potential friendship by misconstruing any unspoken boundaries. I said earlier that a big part of the last year has been about creating opportunities, and knowing you is an opportunity I am so glad I acted on, if I’m completely wrong here and you have no interest in anything beyond friendship then I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. However, I hope that even if you aren’t interested in anything beyond friendship that asking you directly does nothing more than give you at least the reason why it was you I chose to catch up with beyond any other person.

Wake Up

When life becomes difficult, we as humans have an amazing ability to put our heads down and push forwards, regardless of how we feel. When the difficulties are short lived, we come out of the other side and brush ourselves off. Knowing that we have done well to make it to our destination.

Sometimes the difficulty takes longer to overcome. It’s at these times, that we can become so overwhelmed, that we shutdown. We can ourselves into an emotional hibernation, leaving us anaesthetised against any potential pain.

I’m not sure at what point I shut down. I’m not sure at what point I stopped trying. But recently I woke up, and was shocked to see how far I’d come.

You see once you allow yourself to wake up, it becomes almost impossible to go back to sleep.

Like a sleepwalker woken unexpectedly, you find yourself somewhere you don’t remember going. Only to be told later, that it was you who brought you to where you are. If you have been asleep for a long time, you realise there are parts of your own life that you have to go back and learn again.

Often, one of the first things to change are the people around you. If you’re lucky, you’ll have people around you still, people you have been able to rely on to help you get through. People who nudged you in the right direction, before your eyes were truly open. The other people in your life, might now be where you expect them to be, but can sometimes still be found. Most will welcome you back into their folds, and pick up where you left off.

Sometimes though, we lose people along the way. It hurts knowing that the people you have loved and may still hold a place for in your heart, no longer feel that they can be a part of your journey. This can be a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when you first wake up, as you can’t always see yourself what it is that has changed. If you find yourself in this circumstance the most likely thing to have changed is you.

Before you can get to know the people in your life again, you have to get to know yourself. Sleeping for a long time, can change you without you ever realising it. The challenges you face, are the nightmares which haunt you, the moments of pleasure that interlude the times before waking are the dreams that remain a part of you. That kept you going even when the world was at it’s most unforgiving. You have to reflect on all of these things, making them a part of you. Once you can learn to do this, you can learn once more who you are.

These experiences may change you. They may make you feel differently about the things you once loved, but they also make you who you are. Accepting that, is the key to accepting yourself. If you need to change in order to be who you are, then embrace the changes you need to make and walk with your head held high. Above all, once you are ready to be that person, love them. Love the person you were, because they got you to where you are now. Love the person you have become, because they have overcome all obstacles to be where they are now.

And when you approach your next obstacle, take a deep breath, and move through it. Then love who you are when you come out the other side, because with each obstacle you overcome, you evolve in to a whole new version of yourself.

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