Help Needed

Hello Lovely People,
Since August 2018 I have been studying an HNC in Professional Writing Skills, it has been an amazing course that has transformed not just my skills as a writer but my entire life. All going to plan I start studying at university in September, but before that I need to secure an A for my Graded Unit; the final submission of the year.
In little over 24 hours I have to submit my final Graded Unit for marking, but I am still working hard to compile some research. I really need help, and anyone who can spare two minutes to complete this survey would be doing me the biggest favour.
I will really appreciate any help that can be given with this.

Kind Regards,

DSC

Zanze: Your Words

Your words poison my heart and mind.

You give no thought to what you say;

Solace in meaning hard to find.

For that which I regret I pray.

Your words poison my heart,

Just as they did back then.

Love was neither the start;

Nor predictable end.

Your words poison

Everything!

They are noise in

My worshiping.

Your words

Sound unrefined;

The song of tuneless birds.

Your words poison my heart and mind.

2019©DSCoremans

Personal Blog: Challenge Accepted

As most of the regular followers (as I understand it, there are some out there, do feel free to say ‘Hi’ sometime) of Forever Distracted by Life know I have in the last few months been bitten by the poetry bug. Having never really engaged with poetry beyond the mandatory level of academia as presented by High School, I never felt ‘worthy’ of reading poetry, let alone writing it. But as soon as I was introduced to the poetry unit on the course I am currently studying at college, it was as though I had suddenly learned a new language. A language which allows me to express things I have never before been able to put into words.

Once I started writing poetry, I started reading it. And not just the poets of history, but the poets of today. By following some of the blog authors that have engaged with some of my work, I have found myself immersed in wonderfully insightful and relatable poetry. 

Some blogs, in particular, I find myself going back to regularly.

https://reowr.com is a site I find myself on daily at the moment as it is full of great poetry and regular challenges being thrown down. This mornings sent me down a rabbit hole of writing that has already filled pages of my notebook, and has given me a few more things to share over the next couple of days. 

The challenge posed, was to write a poem using the ‘Zanze’ poetic structure.

If you aren’t familiar with the style, or are interested in taking part in the challenge yourself, I highly recommend checking out the original post here: https://reowr.com/2019/01/08/when-the-mountains-a-zanze-and-a-challenge/#comment-10179

I have already shared my first two attempts today. Which you can find here: https://dscoremans.com/2019/01/08/freeform-zanze-fearless/

And here:

https://dscoremans.com/2019/01/08/zanze-fearless-ii/

2019 © DS Coremans

Zanze: Fearless II

Fearless I walk towards my fate,
My destination is unknown.
Decisions often made too late,
Create actions hard to atone.

Fearless I walk towards
A decisive moment,
Cutting as though with swords,
The chance at bestowment.

Fearless I walk,
Though I should run
From those who talk,
And hurt someone.

Fearless,
I will wait.
I find myself, peerless,
Fearless I walk towards my fate.

2019 ©DSCoremans

Personal Blog: 2018 A Quick Reflection

Christmas was hard this year.

It hasn’t been easy or wholly enjoyable for some time, but this year was the first Christmas without mum.

Life, for the past few months, has felt a little like going through the motions. So it was no surprise that Christmas managed to sneak up on, and then past me before I could really process it.

Those that got in touch over the festive period I very much appreciated hearing from. Even now though, the thought of replying and acknowledging reality leaves me with a knot in my stomach that is twisting and making me feel more and more ill as the days go by.

Anxiety is crippling me lately, and in the last few weeks, in particular, it feels like it is shutting me down both physically and emotionally until the very idea of trying to function leaves me a wreck.

I cannot go it alone, I understand that I need help, but asking for it is hard. Asking a stranger is ultimately easier to do than a close friend. The closer a relationship the more likely that rather than being able to pretend or hide how you are, you will be forced instead to be who you are at that very moment in time.

2018 wasn’t a bad year, far from it. But it was the hardest year I have ever faced, and it has taught me more about who I am as a person than I could have ever hoped to learn. It wasn’t always easy, and I am thankful for the support network I have. Even with such a strong set of friends and support though I admit that it hasn’t been easy.

After my mum passed I began thinking again about suicide. Not as a course of action, but as an option. One which I acknowledged, but more as a reflection of my past. Like getting hung up on old thoughts. As well as my support network of friends, I have been working closely with a counsellor for almost 18 months. Thankfully I can detach myself from these dark thoughts, knowing them as memories rather than desires.

I started going to counselling after losing myself to life in 2017. I had to take three months off of work to get my head straight, and it was in this time that I began to address what was important to me. I looked at my life and did not recognise how I had gotten to where I was. I looked at my life and did not recognise the person I had become. This was the hardest thing in the world for me, to realise I had spent so much time looking after other people, that I had no idea who I was as a person.

I felt insignificant, worthless, and of little value. Yes, I have great friends, but I didn’t feel like I was worthy of their friendship. I began to avoid people because in my head I was protecting them from my company. Depression and anxiety lead to irrational thinking, you can tell yourself you are well, but this is a lie, and until you recognise it as such, you will perpetuate negativity in your own life, wilfully living a harder life than you need to, seeking this hardship as a self-imposed penance for your own existence.

Gradually I came to realise which of my thoughts were rational, and which were not and slowly I became calmer. Not all of the time, but generally.

My life changed considerably over the course of 2018 whether I was ready for it, or not. The end of a long career, the loss of the same part-time job, twice in the space of three months. Moving to a new flat, but never being there. Becoming a full-time guardian and carer, again, and having to put someone else needs first at all hours of the day; providing waking night support. The complexity of a relationship and ultimately the end of nine months spent with someone I grew to love. Recovery from surgery, two weeks of quarantine, and three weeks of Tonsillitis, my first broken bone. Then, of course, there was the loss of my mother, this was the hardest of all things, and something I still find myself in disbelief of often.

But the challenges weren’t all bad. I applied for and was accepted into college, despite everything else going on. I got in and have so far not only completed work but done so well. I have learned more than I ever thought I would and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing what I should have been doing all along. I joined a band, and after eight months of rehearsals we played our first paid gig, and have more lined up. Despite the relationship not lasting, 2018 was also a year in which I fell in love, and was loved in return; getting to share my life with someone in a way I never had before. The best part of this last point was when my mother met my ex and got on well with them. Considering how little time I have given to relationships in my life, I was so thrilled my mother got to see me being loved before we lost her.

And of course, I wrote. More than I have ever written in such a small space of time, and intend to keep on doing so.

I hope that 2019 is a continuation of all of the good things I have had in 2018 and that the harder things push me onward, serving as reminders of just how far I’ve come.

The one thing I hope people take away from what I’ve learned is that there is always help available you just have to have the strength to ask for it and the patience to accept it. Life is hard, and it will challenge you whether you are ready or not.

If you are feeling lost especially, don’t give up. It’s harder to make good decisions all of the time than it is to make bad decisions just once. But some bad decisions can only be made once, and if you just persevere I promise you will find something worth continuing for.

Sometimes you have to give up on the things that you are comfortable with or that you are good at, these things may be easy, but if they do not offer you fulfilment, you will invariably never find what you need the most. Be selfish, do things that are just for you and no-one else. Try things you haven’t done, push yourself when your first reaction is to throw in the towel. But if you try and it hurts, walk away and hold your head high knowing that you gave it everything you have.

Love, yourself before anyone else. Be beautiful, be yourself.

All the best when it comes.

DSC x

Free Verse: Chaos

I feel like
Everything is happening
All at once.

I can’t tell
If the chaos
Is abnormal,
Or if it is just life?

Trying to find
“The new normal.”
Was there ever
A ‘normal’ to begin with?

Unanswered questions
Far surpass, those to which
I can answer with any certainty.

I seek clarity,
Yet am surrounded
By chaos.

It fills me physically
Shutting me down
Until I am nothing
More than Raw Emotion

Overpowering and unprocessed,
Like a pit of snakes
Each one filled with venom.

Fear, Rage, Lust,
Ego, Shame, Guilt,
Resentment.

Each one venomous,
Paralysing not killing.

Drawing out an existence,
Into a slow and terrible
Spiral to downfall.

Is it hubris
Which fells a man,
Or obstinance?

At least a man
Who falls to hubris
Can say he is proud,
I cannot. I do not feel
Proud of myself.
I feel like I’ve walked away
From every good thing
I ever had,
Because I was tired.
Now I find myself
More tired than ever,
with less than ever
I thought I could have,
That which remains
is precious and heavy.

Love, Duty, Honour,
Obligation, Frustration,
Devastation.

Love, Ignorance, Demanding,
Beautiful, Incomparable,
Inexplicable.

New. Everything is new,
I recognise nothing,
And am further displaced
From paths so far ventured.

Rather than trying to find
My way back to them,
Perhaps I should be
Moving forwards.

I have been given a chance
To whitewash my canvas.
The heavy pattern and colour
From my painting so far
Still there, lurking
Under this new,
Crisp layer.

But even with this fresh start,
I am afraid to mark the canvas
As I know how easy it is to fill
And overwork, so desperate
For the result to be beautiful,
But not trusting myself
As an artist to create.
Working to a standard
Beyond my own ability.

My canvas remains
Unpainted on,
But marked regardless
By outside influence.

I allow myself no control,
Sharing my canvas
Rather than fill it
With my own Masterpiece.

Free Verse: Honourable Intentions

I have very little to say
That I haven’t already
Said before.

I cannot think straight.
Cannot focus
On anything
Besides the darkness.

I am lost. I am lost.

I am looking
For something
I do not know.

I tried to explain
Why I hated my job
And I couldn’t.

You see it’s not the job I hate.
I still have passion.
I just can’t access it.

It’s not the job I hate.
It is my life.

To hate the life
That one has created
For themselves.

Yet no. I didn’t create this life.
I merely followed the path
Which I was set upon.
I’m too far forward to go back.
But I no longer want to reach
The destination
Being signposted
Along the way.

I gain experience.
More and more every day.
But I am no further forwards.

How do you change a life;
That you are honour bound
To continue being a part of?

Is a life lead by honourable intention enough,
Or will obligation mar
The person I am to become,
Until the life I desire
Has slipped away forever.

The life I cannot even consider
While bound to the obligations
I have imposed upon myself
Through a sense of duty
Change me beyond the capacity
To ever be what I want.

Even if I don’t know what that is.

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