Personal Blog: 2018 A Quick Reflection

Christmas was hard this year.

It hasn’t been easy or wholly enjoyable for some time, but this year was the first Christmas without mum.

Life, for the past few months, has felt a little like going through the motions. So it was no surprise that Christmas managed to sneak up on, and then past me before I could really process it.

Those that got in touch over the festive period I very much appreciated hearing from. Even now though, the thought of replying and acknowledging reality leaves me with a knot in my stomach that is twisting and making me feel more and more ill as the days go by.

Anxiety is crippling me lately, and in the last few weeks, in particular, it feels like it is shutting me down both physically and emotionally until the very idea of trying to function leaves me a wreck.

I cannot go it alone, I understand that I need help, but asking for it is hard. Asking a stranger is ultimately easier to do than a close friend. The closer a relationship the more likely that rather than being able to pretend or hide how you are, you will be forced instead to be who you are at that very moment in time.

2018 wasn’t a bad year, far from it. But it was the hardest year I have ever faced, and it has taught me more about who I am as a person than I could have ever hoped to learn. It wasn’t always easy, and I am thankful for the support network I have. Even with such a strong set of friends and support though I admit that it hasn’t been easy.

After my mum passed I began thinking again about suicide. Not as a course of action, but as an option. One which I acknowledged, but more as a reflection of my past. Like getting hung up on old thoughts. As well as my support network of friends, I have been working closely with a counsellor for almost 18 months. Thankfully I can detach myself from these dark thoughts, knowing them as memories rather than desires.

I started going to counselling after losing myself to life in 2017. I had to take three months off of work to get my head straight, and it was in this time that I began to address what was important to me. I looked at my life and did not recognise how I had gotten to where I was. I looked at my life and did not recognise the person I had become. This was the hardest thing in the world for me, to realise I had spent so much time looking after other people, that I had no idea who I was as a person.

I felt insignificant, worthless, and of little value. Yes, I have great friends, but I didn’t feel like I was worthy of their friendship. I began to avoid people because in my head I was protecting them from my company. Depression and anxiety lead to irrational thinking, you can tell yourself you are well, but this is a lie, and until you recognise it as such, you will perpetuate negativity in your own life, wilfully living a harder life than you need to, seeking this hardship as a self-imposed penance for your own existence.

Gradually I came to realise which of my thoughts were rational, and which were not and slowly I became calmer. Not all of the time, but generally.

My life changed considerably over the course of 2018 whether I was ready for it, or not. The end of a long career, the loss of the same part-time job, twice in the space of three months. Moving to a new flat, but never being there. Becoming a full-time guardian and carer, again, and having to put someone else needs first at all hours of the day; providing waking night support. The complexity of a relationship and ultimately the end of nine months spent with someone I grew to love. Recovery from surgery, two weeks of quarantine, and three weeks of Tonsillitis, my first broken bone. Then, of course, there was the loss of my mother, this was the hardest of all things, and something I still find myself in disbelief of often.

But the challenges weren’t all bad. I applied for and was accepted into college, despite everything else going on. I got in and have so far not only completed work but done so well. I have learned more than I ever thought I would and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing what I should have been doing all along. I joined a band, and after eight months of rehearsals we played our first paid gig, and have more lined up. Despite the relationship not lasting, 2018 was also a year in which I fell in love, and was loved in return; getting to share my life with someone in a way I never had before. The best part of this last point was when my mother met my ex and got on well with them. Considering how little time I have given to relationships in my life, I was so thrilled my mother got to see me being loved before we lost her.

And of course, I wrote. More than I have ever written in such a small space of time, and intend to keep on doing so.

I hope that 2019 is a continuation of all of the good things I have had in 2018 and that the harder things push me onward, serving as reminders of just how far I’ve come.

The one thing I hope people take away from what I’ve learned is that there is always help available you just have to have the strength to ask for it and the patience to accept it. Life is hard, and it will challenge you whether you are ready or not.

If you are feeling lost especially, don’t give up. It’s harder to make good decisions all of the time than it is to make bad decisions just once. But some bad decisions can only be made once, and if you just persevere I promise you will find something worth continuing for.

Sometimes you have to give up on the things that you are comfortable with or that you are good at, these things may be easy, but if they do not offer you fulfilment, you will invariably never find what you need the most. Be selfish, do things that are just for you and no-one else. Try things you haven’t done, push yourself when your first reaction is to throw in the towel. But if you try and it hurts, walk away and hold your head high knowing that you gave it everything you have.

Love, yourself before anyone else. Be beautiful, be yourself.

All the best when it comes.

DSC x

Sonnet: Chris McQueer

I met Chris McQueer, that boy is a lad

I showed some of his stories to my dad.

His chuckles soon turned to roars of laughter,

I have no doubts McQueer is a master

 

Of dark satire, and the use of Scot’s tongue,

Even in darkness, he retains the fun.

His anecdotal, gifted perception,

Informal tone a common deception.

 

You see he is listening when you talk

Seeing your habits or the way you walk

Using these details he crafts his stories,

Everyday ‘Hings, like Brexit or Tories.

 

So watch as McQueer, rises and turns,

Into a hero, a modern-day Burns.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.

For the past couple of months, I have been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 like an addict. There were times where I genuinely hated what I was seeing, there were moments where I wanted nothing more than to walk away from it. Yet every week I found myself drawn back, binging in every detail until each episode was over and all that was left were the feelings of guilt and promises of never doing it again.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore Drag Race, and as an avid drag fan I was just as gagged as everyone else to find out that we were getting another addition to the All Stars hall of fame so soon after my own personal favourite queen took her long-awaited place in the Drag Race Hall of Fame. But where All Stars 2 had fixed everything that was wrong with its first incarnation, All Stars 3 was broken beyond repair.

The although amusing were lacklustre, for every queen announced another name sprung to mind as a potentially more entertaining preference and with the promise of a previous winner in the coveted tenth spot, there was controversy before we even got going.

When the series finally began and the winner of Season 1 walked out as a competitor the game changed and not in a good way. Bebe is a fierce queen and should always be a respected member of the Hall of Fame. The mistake made here was thinking that bringing her back would showcase what she had to bring to a new audience, it’s just a shame that what she had to bring was something we’ve seen many times before from her. Recycling the same looks you used to win ten years ago, does not shout inspired queen. It shouts tired queen.

There were moments where we were truly gagged though. Aja, for instance, was never my favourite queen. Yet from the start she brought it and made sure every other queen knew that she was there to play the game. I found myself rooting for her and so it shouldn’t have surprised me when the other queens decided that she had gone far enough.

The biggest shock for me came from Ben Dela Creme. My personal favourite and if we’re honest, the only real competition in the show. Dela came back to prove to herself that she not only had it but that she could use it. And use it she did, over and over again. Proving that just because she is congenial that she is by no means a pushover. Dela left of her own volition, and some found this almost too difficult to take.

Drag Race isn’t just a completion though. It’s a job interview, you are literally competing for the right to represent the Drag Race girls not just for the year that you wear the crown, but for the rest of your career in drag. Becoming a Ru girl means that the fans love you, and demand you to be on top form at all times.

Look at Brian McCook, I use his real name as he is currently on hiatus from Drag. Brian portrays the character Katya and portrays her well. I managed to get tickets to see her in Glasgow in February, so naturally, a week after the tickets arrived and the gig was postponed for a year I was a tad upset. But not with Brian, he made that decision because it was the best thing for him. Imagine only being known for the character you play, being forced at all times to be a version of yourself that is over the top and at a 12 out of 10 at any given moment. Never getting to ‘be yourself’ Brian’s hiatus, in my opinion, shows just how hard being a Ru girl must actually be and I wish him all the best in his recovery.

Back to BenDela. Dela made a decision to walk away, rather than run to the finish line because she achieved everything she set out to achieve and more. But the cost of this decision was an open-ended race with only one clear front-runner. Shangela.

The final curveball of the season came when the eliminated queens returned to pick the top two queens of the season. The game was rigged, and every decision that had been made before, every alliance sought, every friendship tested. The returning queens made decisions based on personal opinions instead of reflecting on the efforts of the competition.

At the end of the day, only one person gets to walk away with the crown. But for the first time, it has been well and truly snatched, and the queen who now has her place in the Hall of Fame has to accept that she is a winner by proxy and not by merit.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Burnt and blacked, and tasting like ash.

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