Zanze: Your Words

Your words poison my heart and mind.

You give no thought to what you say;

Solace in meaning hard to find.

For that which I regret I pray.

Your words poison my heart,

Just as they did back then.

Love was neither the start;

Nor predictable end.

Your words poison

Everything!

They are noise in

My worshiping.

Your words

Sound unrefined;

The song of tuneless birds.

Your words poison my heart and mind.

2019©DSCoremans

Picture Prompt: Shadow

The Challenge:

Using this picture as inspiration write a poem or piece of flash-fiction. There are no set themes or genres, just write if you feel inspired to do so.

If you feel happy sharing your work, please paste it along with a link to your own work in the comments section and I will add all entries to the original post along with a link to your work.

My hope is to highlight the work of the many talented writer’s of WordPress and beyond; while at the same time Networking with those who take part.

Happy Writing. DSC

About Today’s Picture:

(At the end of each week, I will add your entries and links to your work to the original post. Along with a little more information about each of the pictures I choose.)

Free Verse: Letter To Myself (Aged 14)

DS,

There are so many things
That will challenge you in life,
And challenge will push you
To learn things
You should have never had to know.

Sickness,
Emotional pain,
And death.

You know all of these things early,
Yet I’m not sure anyone
Ever thought
To explain them to you
Properly.

Instead, you take everything in,
And you understand it
As best you can.

Help will always be there
When you need it.
If you need it.
But it will take you
A long time
To be okay with asking,
And even longer
To actually accept it.

You spend years,
Trying to repress
Any part of yourself
That makes you different.
That makes you stand out.

After realising you’ll never fit in,
You try to change yourself,
To make it less obvious
That you are different.
You try so hard
To make yourself invisible.

You will repress
Every part of you
That makes you unique,
For fear
Those other people
Will judge you.

But all the while,
You will desperately seek
Some form of acceptance.

First from adults,
Because as far as you are concerned
They are right,
And know what is best
For you.

Some will see you,
Really see you,
But their influence
Will be fleeting.

Most will side with the masses.

Most will tell you to be
Like those that make it hardest
To be yourself.

People will tell you to change,
And because you can’t
You will tell yourself
You have failed them.

That you have failed yourself.

I need you to know
That is not the case.

DS I wish I could tell you
That the loneliness goes away.
I wish I could tell you
That the love
You so desperately want to feel
Is something you will have
In abundance.
Perhaps never in the way you yearned for,
But know you are loved.

Your family’s needs will drain you,
But they also love you.
You have real friends,
Friends who you have absolute trust in
And who love you.

Not a pretend version
Of yourself, not a facade,
Not even the version of yourself
You portray to the world
To make it seem
Like you are confident.
They love all of you,
With no parameters.

Love is hard
For you DS.
It’s not something
That comes easy.

Even now
The most important person
Who could love you,
Needs to remind himself
Every day
That it is okay to do so.

I am so sorry for the damage
I have caused to you
Over the years.
I’m sorry for punishing you,
When you had worked your hardest.
I’m sorry for not understanding
What you gained, when you walked away
From a path which seemed important.

I’m sorry for pushing you
To be something you are not.
I’m sorry for blaming you,
For the things in your life
That you never had control over.

I’m sorry DS, for never trusting you
To make decisions,
For hiding and playing it safe,
When I could have instead
Let you live.
Truly live.

Worst of all DS
I am so sorry for not loving you.
You are wonderful.
You won’t always feel like that,
But it is no less true.

What you overcome in life,
Is truly outstanding.
You judge yourself
Against the worth
And the attainment
Of others.

You push yourself
To grow and develop.
But everything you do
Is done with passion,
Dedication,
And a sense of purpose.
Commitment
Which I cannot begin
To commend enough.

You can turn your hand
To anything
And make it work for you.

You’re flighty.
You are easily distracted,
But you always get done
What needs to be done.

You have so much love
In your heart,
And you willingly invest it
In others
Before you invest it in yourself.

You push yourself
To make life better
For others
And in so doing
Make it harder for yourself.

You struggle to get by.
You push to be better.
And if those around you
Aren’t flourishing
You will do anything you can
To help them, or blame yourself
If you can’t.

It is both the best
And the worst thing about you.
It will take you far in life,
But the one thing
That will evade you
Is your own sense of self.
Your own purpose.
Your own happiness.

But help is always there.

Eventually, you’ll ask for it.
Eventually, you’ll accept it.

Where you go after that
Is up to you.
But know that wherever you go
You have my love,
My support
And my trust.
For once, above all else I have
Your best interests at heart.

One day
I may feel like I have found
‘My purpose’.

But until I know for sure,
I would like
To make you a promise:

‘To keep trying, to enjoy
What I’m doing,
And to take care of myself.

To live a life I am proud of,
And one which allows you
To be as happy
As you possibly can be.’

Free Verse: Stress

Stress

I’m feeling it today.

Tension
I didn’t feel myself carrying
Until it was over.

When I’m stressed,
I revert to old behaviours.
Old coping mechanisms.
If I catch myself,
Early,
I can usually
find my focus again.

I lost my focus,
And I slipped
Into old behaviour.
Newfound resolves,
Too new to know
When they were being tested
Beyond their limits.

Stress is something
That affects me physically.
Not just emotionally,
Although it affects me
In that way too.

It shuts me down
Emotionally,
Mentally,
Physically.
It reduces me to something
That functions,
But never truly lives.

Stress is something
That I am trying hard to control,
By telling myself that I can
And will
Control the things
That are in my power.

But I don’t,
I actually don’t
Feel like I have any
Power,
Over myself.

When I am drained,
I am on autopilot,
And on autopilot
I drift,
Listlessly doing things
I wouldn’t do
When thinking rationally.

The problem
Is that the rational
Part of me
Switches off
When I push myself
To the point
Of being too stressed.

19th May 2017

One year ago today, I was at the very beginning of a mental breakdown that led me to write this.

I shared it on Facebook at the time, but the words seem so powerful still that I wanted to share them again. This time as a reflection, and a reminder of where I have come from, and how far I have come to get to where I am.

Life is so hard to evaluate at the time, but rather than saying “is it better?” It has helped me to say,

“What is different?”

In the time since writing this so much has changed for me and likely will continue to do so, but I feel ever closer to the life I should be living. It doesn’t matter what I do, as long as I remember to do what I do for me and no one else.

*****

Two days ago, I became so overwhelmed I cried at work. On that same day the exhaust fell off my car, and when I finally made it home it was to find my washing machine had broken and the kitchen floor was very wet. But the time I was done cleaning it up, I was laughing at just how ridiculous a day could be.

Since then I’ve done very little. I’ve pressed pause, and I’m currently evaluating. I’m going up North with my family for a couple of days, and in that time I’m going to try and figure out what the next step forward is.

Sometimes it is about stepping backwards from the things that upset you and looking at the bigger picture. Once I have a better idea of what is really going on in my life I can consider what I do armed with information, clarity and hopefully for once in my life, my own interests at the forefront of my decision making process.

There have been more than a few people who have helped keep me together over the past… how long has this really been going on? It’s been a while.

Thank you for your ongoing support and thank you for giving me the space to get to grips with things in my own time. It can’t be easy being friends with someone with depression, but know that even when I can’t speak to you directly or when I cancel on plans that took far to long to put in place that I love you for your support and will always do my best to come back to you when I am ready to try again.

Living Ghost

There was once a time where everything I did felt good.

Now the things that once brought me joy chip away at my soul leaving me feeling like I am no longer a real person.

Imagine how scary it is becoming a ghost when you are still living.

Stuck

Today I feel…I don’t even know.

Sometimes I tell people I am fine when really I am anything but. It is a lie but told for the right reasons. Other people don’t need to know that behind the smile, is a world of turmoil.

Sometimes I tell myself I am fine when really I am anything but. It is a lie, told to keep myself going. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to shout and curse, and tell the world how unfair this thing called life is.

Inside my head is a vortex of emotion, in a constant state of flux. The battle between rational and irrational has long been fought and the war seems endless, hopeless.

Every minute feels like a chore, every hour a burden. Answers to questions long ignored swirl and vie for attention, yet are ignored for fear that acknowledging them will be the catalyst to my breaking again.

I came close. To the edge of the precipice. To the only decision that can’t be unmade. It almost broke me, it almost destroyed me, and I fear that rather than having overcome the darkness, all I have ever managed is to delay it.

Being the best version of yourself is difficult when you don’t know who you are. Trying to decide what to do next, when you don’t even know what to do now.

Wanting everything, and having nothing.

Existing but never living.

Doing nothing, doing nothing. Until it is no longer an option until you have no choice but to do something.

Stuck.

Scared

I am scared today.

More scared than I was yesterday.

A deadline draws nearer, and the closer I get the more the terror sinks in. Making me second guess everything I think, and everything I know.

Wanting to offer up unnecessary apologies. Have I made a mistake?

Decisions can be unmade just as easily as they are made. Right?

Yet, I know that I didn’t make this decision. The time to move on has come, time and time again. Yet every time so far I have pushed it off, struggled on, and lost more of myself in the process.

It never leaves. It returns time and time again, faster, and faster. Until it looms over you, the decision you refuse to make.

Loving a job is not reason enough to do it.

You have to gain from it. Not just financially. That should never be a primary factor, but a bonus to doing something with your life that leaves you feeling accomplished. First and foremost I look to make a difference. Every day that I invest in others, is a day I feel proud of.

But I am a ghost there now. Chasing the high that a former version of myself could never resist.

It is a part of me more than anything else I have ever been connected to. It is part of what made me who I am today.

I am scared today because soon I will move on.

To what I do not know.

Expression

Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I write. Usually, it’s just words or phrases. The loops of information I’m struggling to process. The bits of information I haven’t finished thinking about. Current obsessions, and plaguing doubts. Whatever is going through my head really.

Sometimes it helps quell the spiral before I get stuck in it.

Sometimes the words are a mess, but tonight’s words tell a story.

 

Expression

A dreamer.

He lived his life asleep.

Wanting more.

Doing nothing.

Ambitious, yet ambivalent.

 

Tired.

Eyes as heavy as his mind.

They take in less than they see.

Wanting to withdraw.

Wonder wasted.

 

Fear.

The excuse he tells himself.

The equaliser.

Impersonal and corrupt.

The hardest to overcome.

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