Expression #3

Today I feel…I don’t even know.

Sometimes I tell people I am fine when really I am anything but. It is a lie but told for the right reasons. Other people don’t need to know that behind the smile, is a world of turmoil.

Sometimes I tell myself I am fine when really I am anything but. It is a lie, told to keep myself going. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to shout and curse, and tell the world how unfair this thing called life is.

Inside my head is a vortex of emotion, in a constant state of flux. The battle between rational and irrational has long been fought and the war seems endless, hopeless.

Every minute feels like a chore, every hour a burden. Answers to questions long ignored swirl and vie for attention, yet are ignored for fear that acknowledging them will be the catalyst to my breaking again.

I came close. To the edge of the precipice. To the only decision that can’t be unmade. It almost broke me, it almost destroyed me, and I fear that rather than having overcome the darkness, all I have ever managed is to delay it.

Being the best version of yourself is difficult when you don’t know who you are. Trying to decide what to do next, when you don’t even know what to do now.

Wanting everything, and having nothing.

Existing but never living.

Doing nothing, doing nothing. Until it is no longer an option until you have no choice but to do something.

Stuck.

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7 thoughts on “Expression #3

    • Thank you Sadah, I’m in the throes of a particularly bad bought of anxiety. I’m due to step away from a job I’ve been doing for 12 years at the end of the month, without another to go to which has me a little on edge. Writing is my way of processing, and it helps me knowing other people can engage with what I am trying to process.

  1. Why don’t you challenge some of your feelings in writing more about Luca, I for one would love to read the next part. This is not to mask any of your feelings Darren but to use you writng skills to finish/start some very good reading material. Your words are beautifully written from your heart. I am not saying not to write your blog but to continue after the blog with your fantastic writing skills. Make something positive out of something negative son. Hope I can reach to help you better writing down what I want to say rather than upset you worse saying the wrong words while searching for the right ones. I’ll leave it here son but just remember, you make me proud for who you are and what you have come through and I love you to the moon and back. ❤️mum 💐

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